Welcome to our Sunday show
The best service in our town!

There's a very special place where we find a breathing space
Far away from all life's pains
We all show up every Sunday, wouldn't think of missing one day
That's unless, of course, it rains

Now it's well before eleven, but our engines all are revvin'
greeters stand out front with poise
Early comers are conversin', and the choir's been rehearsin'
That accounts for that strange noise

Well it's now ten fifty-eight, and our speaker's kinda late
Our presider has a very worried brow
But he finally makes the scene; he got lost on Route 13
And we're ready to begin our service now

Now the bell is rung; the first song's begun
Still they're yakking in the hall
Time to finish off your cookie, let's have no more playing hooky
To the service all are called

Now it's time to light our chalice; we will call on Mary Alice
As our volunteer igniter
No one else can do it faster; she's the only one who's mastered
Our new fangled hi-tech lighter

Then we sing the opening hymn with a sound that's kinda grim
Oh those simple songs I miss
With four hundred hymns to choose from, you would think that we could do some
That are easier than this

Now it's time to pay the freight, pass our old collection plate
Get it back and quickly take a little peak
Looks like fourteen ninety-eight; that's a pretty lousy gate
But enough to keep us open one more week

Then it's time to learn all our joys and concerns
If you're happy or you're blue
If you won the raffle fruitcake, if your goldfish has a toothache,
If your Google stock has risen, if your grandma's gone to prison,
If you traveled to Niagara, if you need some more Viagra,
We will all be there for you

Welcome to our Sunday show
The best service in our town!

And we now present Sunday's main event
As our speaker takes the floor
This one better be exciting, for the whole town we're inviting
And the last one made them snore.

We have talks on peace; we have talks on geese
We have talks on Gay Pride Day
We have talks so very dense that we suspect they make no sense
But we applaud them anyway

And we even have a smidgen of what passes for religion
Though our brand of it is just a little odd
There's no limit we can state to the views we tolerate
Just as long as they don't speak too much of God

Though the speaker's done, it's not time to run
For there's more that we can do
We will let you ask a question; keep it brief is our suggestion
We will do our final song; please pretend to sing along
And then finally will be heard our most treasured closing words:
"Stick around, there's coffee too!"