In 1997, the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship at Salisbury moved into a new building that was actually a church, complete with pews.  This song satirizes the anxieties such religious trappings can create among more secular UUs.

My friends,
Either you're closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge,
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of pews in your fellowship.
Well, ya got trouble, my friends, right here, I say trouble right here in Reason City!

Why sure I'm a pew sitter, certainly mighty proud, I say I'm always mighty proud to say it.
I consider that the hours I've spent with my back to a board are golden.
Help me cultivate dignity, and a straight back, and a tough butt.
'Jever try to make it through a two-hour sermon never dozin' off once and fallin' off a pew?

But just as I say it takes stamina, strength and maturity to sit with style and grace,
I say that any boob can flop in a pew to comply with tradition.
And I call that ritual, the first big step on the road to the depths of degrada--
I say first it's goin' along with sittin' in a pew; and then it's kneelin' on a kneeler!

And the next thing you know you're prayin' all Sunday and missing all the football games!
And listenin' to some big outta-town preacher tellin' you how to be more like Jesus.
Not a wholesome debate about Jesus, but actually tryin' to live up to his example!
Like to see some stuck-up UUs behavin' more like Christians?
Make your blood boil? Well I should say!

Now friends, lemme tell you what I mean:
Ya got two, four, six, eight, twelve, sixteen pews in the church,
Pews that mark the difference between a skeptic and a believer,
With a capital B and that rhymes with P and that stands for pews!

And all week long your Fellowship youth'll be prayin'.
I say your young folks'll be prayin' all day,
Fritter'n away their noontime, suppertime, leisure time too.
Get in touch with Spirit, ever mind playin' video games, makin' out on the beach or drinkin' any beer.
Never mind goin' shoppin' at the mall till the economy fails 'cause the stores are empty at Christmastime and that's trouble!
Ya got lots and lots of trouble.

I'm thinkin' of the kids in the jeans and the T-shirts,
Young ones sneakin' into church to try out those pews.
Ya got trouble folks, right here in Reason City!
Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pews!

Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents.
I'm gonna be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're sittin' in those pews?
They'll be talkin' about virtue, talking about communion,
Drinkin' communion wine out of our chalice, and
Braggin' about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with holy water.

One fine night, they'll leave the fellowship headed for the revival meeting, with
Tent preachers, Bible readers and gospel singers, shameless music that'll
Take your son, your daughter, whip them into a religious frenzy--
Massteria!  Friends, a tired ass has no defenses!

Trouble (Oh, we got trouble), right here in Reason City! (Right here in Reason City!)
With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pews! (That stands for pews!)
We've surely got trouble (We've surely got trouble!), right here in Reason City! (Right here!)
Better tell your kids to mind their p's and q's.
(Our children's children gonna have trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble...)

Mothers of Reason City, heed the warning before it's too late.
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption.
Is your daughter donating her baby-sitting money to the poor instead of spending it wisely, on. . .makeup?
Has she been seen hanging out with strange-looking, unsavory characters, like . . .nuns?
Is she starting to mention Jesus and God at inappropriate times, such as when she's not swearing?
Well, if so, my friends . . .

Ya got trouble (Oh, we got trouble), right here in Reason City! (Right here in Reason City!)
With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pews! (That stands for pews!)
We've surely got trouble (We've surely got trouble!), right here in Reason City! (Right here!)
Better raise your kids as undevout UUs.
(Our children's children gonna have trouble.)

Oh we got trouble, we're in terrible, terrible trouble.
My friends, a rational mind's a terrible thing to lose (Thing to lose).
Oh yes, we got trouble, trouble, trouble,
Oh yes, we got trouble here, we got big, big trouble, with a
T (with a capital T), gotta rhyme it with P (that rhymes with P),
That stands for pews (that stands for pews)!